It's been quite a long time since I wrote anything here.

On my rollercoaster ride of life, I'm DOWN again...

Right now, I feel really alone....really sad...depressed...like a complete failure. I just want to crawl in a hole and die. It takes a great deal of effort to appear "okay"...I so badly want to cry. Sucking back tears, and trying to keep up appearances is hard work. I forced myself to go out in a public place this morning around others. I tried to appear cheerful, light-hearted, friendly... I succeeded, but at what cost? I feel even more miserable now.

I'm wondering if there's anyone else out there in blog land who 'forces' themselves to keep up appearances, even when they feel like sh*t.

(If I had a cigarette now, I'd smoke it. I quit a long time ago...but the craving still takes me occasionallly.)

How do others deal with depression?

What can you do, if you recognize it, am going through it, but unable to beat it????

Things are looking up...

doing good today. My emotions have balanced out...I consider it a bright spot in my bleak world.

bye.

Okay, Okay...I know what people are thinking: My last entry is pretty messed up. (I guess I'm like a piece of "broken" glass...and that was a jagged side coming through)

Although, in my own defense: Yesterday I hit an all time low.

I'm can't help it either.

Meanwhile, I scare my ownself sometimes because somedays it seems as though I want to play Russian Roulette - and I have to admitt, I have a fascination with suicide lately. The danger to that is: Sometimes, I come far too close.

Anyone who thinks they know me (in real life) doesn't see this part of me. I'm very good at masquerading. I guess it just really goes to show that you really never know a person.

I meant what I said though: It does seem like nobody cares...like I am alone...like God has forsaken me...like I'm being punished for something I never done...like I'm just a piece of meat to someone else (and everytime they come close, my skin CRAWLS!!!!!)

I wonder... In the Bible, what did the blemish lambs feel like when they were rejected? (Afterall, a lamb had to be without spot or blemish to be used as an offering to God...) Well, I'm certainly not without blemish. (So I guess that makes me the next jerk's "meal"!)

Now, I have a guilt trip.

'Cause inside, I know the difference...I shouldn't be acting this way. I shouldn't be feeding off anger...I shouldn't feel like this...

Where's the Sunday School lesson - where has that dissapeared? and WHY does this sort of thing happen anyway?

...too many questions.

broken.

One little pill

Just to give me a thrill...

One slit on the wrist

Just for a twist...

Not a tear shed

Because inside I am dead ---

Waiting for the rest of me to catch up.

What's one more heartbreak to add to it all?

Who really gives a fuck if I'm the one to fall?

I'm tired of trying to keep up the mask -

When really, I want to say: "Kiss my ass!"

Don't stand there pretending that you care,

I'm just another statistic to add to this year -

Another life ruined, another life loss

Another victim in your self-righteous cause.

To escape one last time, to find a way out

And I'll leave you wondering what it's all about -

Nobody stopped to help me, nobody tried,

They're all just spectators watching me die.

I want to take a bloodbath and drown in life's stream -

I want to wake up from this terrible dream.

I want to live, but I think what's the use...

Tomorrow will come with another excuse:

Why prolong it, why even try -

Why not give up, and let the rest of me die?

Nobody understands, nobody cares;

And I'm tired of living under so many fears.

Leave me alone, and bid me good night -

I want to rest, I don't want to fight;

The darkness surrounds me, I'm lost from the light

I have no more strength, no more might.

broken.

When am I ever going to get over this "hump"?

I open myself up. I make myself vulnerable. I get burned. I self-destruct. I start to heal...I do it all over again. I am so tired of this -----------> Just want to cut. Take the pain away. Destract myself. Numb my emotions...I long to be "numb" so I can't feel the hurt.

I want to hide. I want to have control.

When there's a shroud of darkeness around me, I feel safe. You can't come in.

Stay the hell away from broken people.

Midnight.

Once again, I find myself caught in a stew of things...

I'm getting so tired of this. Honestly, for once I just wish somebody else gave a fuck about me! I'm tired of being a scapegoat. I'm tired of having to deal with shit on my own.

"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams"

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah
Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I walk alone
I walk a...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...

(lyrics - Greenday)

Don't I ever hate it being the one to have to confront things...and don't I ever hate it having a conscience where I insist on honesty at all times...???

I really wish that I could just avoid things like that. I really wish I could NOT notice the stuff I do...I really wish that some people would get a grain of sense; and recognize just how STUPID some of the stuff they do is.

That's alot of wishes.

WISH ME LUCK!

broken.

my Blog is dead....haha

see if i care.

I don't.

I could care less if NOT one soul is unfortunate enough to come across my path. This is my rambling blog. It's where i get to complain, unleash my tantrums 'constructively' - "AS IF!!!"  and basically just be a natural PMS case!

So neway i was looking at my stats. They are totally lame. I'd say this blog is less read than my diary was, when i was in school (by parents, siblings, and anyone else who came across it.)

I haven't actually got anything interesting to say.

You may thank me now for giving you the cure for Insomnia. Good night.

I really liked this song. It reminds me  of "personal escape" ~ and as a "broken spirit" the lyrics apply so literal in my case:

Angel

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

Sometimes, people let you down--- Sometimes, people downright tick you off.

I'm a bit from Column A and a bit from Column B... lol...but all in all, taking things in stride.

My volunteer involvement is very important to me, and new things are evolving --- To which I'm grateful, but in the same way "annoyed" because I'm one of those people who like to be kept informed (so I can keep organized)

I'm really annoyed with a "Superior" at the moment...irritated over the way I'm being approached (or rather with the attitude that's hitting me between the eyes!) and I'm frustrated with this person's attitudes in general. I don't like the message that is getting implied, and I don't like the direction this person is going. (PERIOD) I dare not say too much.

So much for my "cloud 9" experience...Oh well.

Looking at the brighter side: Once the hot/cold meet (collide), and after the thunderstorm runs its course than the atmosphere clears up.

So, do you know what? I choose to get out in the rain, and dance!

To blazesl with being pissed off! I don't want to be, and I refuse to be.